Another Ugly Naked Guy in Brighton?

You want to know the truth? You want to know why I wanted to start writing columns again?

Was it because I felt the need to give you more of my incredibly brilliant insights about the people, places and events of Livingston County? Was it because I heard that Pinckney is finally getting a Taco Bell, and I absolutely had to tell you about it? Was it simply because I missed writing?

No.

It’s because I heard that Brighton might have another Ugly Naked Guy.

You’re all familiar with Brighton’s Original Ugly Naked Guy (OUNG). He’s the little statue that established residence in front of the Mill Pond a couple years ago and has been a source of controversy and derision ever since.

The statue’s official title is “Decision Pending,” although I’m not exactly sure what decision is pending with him. Perhaps the decision about whether or not he should put on some pants. In any case, nobody refers to him as “Decision Pending.” Everybody calls him the Ugly Naked Guy, because that’s what he is. He’s ugly, he’s naked and he’s a guy.

He came to town as part of something called the Brighton Biennial, which was an art display that brought a few dozen very interesting pieces to the downtown area. Some of them were very nice, such as a beautiful piece called “The Children” that featured two bronze heads of children (duh). Some of them were very strange, such as a sculpture that pretty much appeared to be nothing more than an I-beam that you might find in your basement.

And some of them were very ugly and naked.

Anyway, once the Ugly Naked Guy arrived, a lot of people started to voice the opinion that it wasn’t exactly good for Brighton’s image to have a statue of a nude little feller standing in front of the downtown area’s crown jewel.

So what did the Brighton City Council do in response to the outcry? Well, naturally, it shelled out some taxpayer money to BUY the Ugly Naked Guy, and further decreed that he should forever remain in front of the Mill Pond so that our children and our children’s children can enjoy his nakedness for generations to come. Thank goodness for that.

In any event, the Ugly Naked Guy has been very, very good to me in my career as a columnist. Whenever I found myself lacking a topic for a column, I always knew that I could write about my little friend at the Mill Pond.

So, obviously, when I heard that there might be ANOTHER Ugly Naked Guy in Brighton, I figured that it was time to end my retirement and start writing columns again. Truth be told, that’s why I wanted to help start Livingstontalk.com. It had nothing to do with all this rigamarole about us being the future of community journalism and all that. It’s because I discovered Brighton might have another Ugly Naked Guy.

And I say “might,” because I’m still not sure. I’m sure he’s a guy and I’m pretty sure he’s ugly. I’m just not so sure he’s naked.

Allow me to explain.

Back in April, when I left the newspaper, I received a very nice e-mail from a woman in Brighton named Janine who said that she was going to miss reading my columns. Specifically, she said, she was hoping that I would have been able to write about a poster that was hanging inside the Brighton McDonald’s restaurant (the one on Grand River Avenue).

“There is a black and white poster/picture of a man water skiing,” Janine wrote. “And, well … he has some ‘stuff’ showing that should not be showing in a McDonald’s. When I first saw it, I thought NO WAY, this can’t be … in a McDonald’s no less. But the more you look at it (not that I was staring or anything), the more it becomes clear.”

So, naturally, I had to take a trip to the Brighton McDonald’s to see for myself. That led to the following conversation at my house:

ME: Honey, I’ll be back in a little while. I have to go to Brighton.

MY WIFE: Oh, OK. Why do you have to go to Brighton?

ME: Because I have to look at a photo of a naked guy at McDonald’s.

MY WIFE: (Pause) What?

ME: I have to look at a photo of a naked guy at McDonald’s.

MY WIFE: (Longer pause) You have to look at a photo of a naked guy?

ME: Yeah. At McDonald’s.

MY WIFE: (Walks away, muttering to herself.)

So I went to McDonald’s, I ordered myself a Diet Coke, and I walked around the restaurant in search of the New Ugly Naked Guy (NUNG).

And then, sure enough, I found it. Right above one of the booths was a poster of a man water skiing. It was one of those artsy-looking sports photos, with the guy slaloming through the lake and a big spray of water coming up on the side.

The guy was wearing some swim trunks (do they still call them “swim trunks”?), and … well, it’s quite possible that as Janine told me, not all of his “stuff” was safely tucked away. It’s really hard to tell, because there’s some water spraying up in front of it in the picture, but it’s entirely possible that the McDonald’s restaurant in Brighton has a photo of a naked guy on the wall.

I’m not passing judgment here. I’m just reporting the facts. You can stop by the restaurant yourself and check it out if you don’t believe me (and Janine), and I’d really like a few more opinions as to what that “stuff” might be. Leave your comments below.

Either way, I suppose we can go one of two ways here. We can either lambaste the Brighton City Council and McDonald’s for their actions, or we can use this as part of a slick new marketing campaign for the city.

“BRIGHTON: COME SEE OUR UGLY NAKED GUYS!”

Sounds like a winner to me.

Buddy Moorehouse is the publisher of Livingstontalk.com. You can e-mail him at buddy@livingstontalk.com.

Buddy Moorehouse's column is sponsored by: PJ's Hot Dogs LLC. Serving wienies since '01. Visit us Saturdays at the Howell Tractor Supply, at www.PJsHotDogs.com, or call 517-861-6628.