Turn that Facebook frown upside down

When I joined Facebook last year, my main goal was to keep in touch with my little brother. He was serving his third tour in Iraq, and since phone time was hard to come by, Facebook turned out to be a quick, easy way to touch base almost daily.

Then he got engaged to someone who I'd never met, and I debated (internally, of course) the etiquette of "friending" a complete stranger. Fortunately, that leap of faith introduced me to one of my new best friends.

Eventually, I was spending ungodly amounts of time on this one website. I was reconnecting with old friends, coworkers, and relatives I only saw at weddings and funerals.

Then, I lost my job.

After 14 years at the local paper I was laid off. My career ended abruptly one spring morning as I was escorted out of the building I'd called home for my entire adult life. I wasn't allowed to say good bye, or give anyone my contact information. By the time I got control of my emotions later that day (I am not bitter, I am resentful. There is a difference. One may be resentful and still taste great.) my Facebook account was overwhelmed with notes, condolences, and friend requests. It was just the lift I needed.

Since then, as I used the site to keep in touch with colleagues, make new contacts, and help plan a wedding for my deployed brother, I noticed something. People were becoming increasingly pessimistic. Constant postings about how miserable you are, how you hate your life, and how the world is out to get you isn't going to make things better. It got to the point where I was hiding and deleting people I liked, because they were bringing me down. I don't mean one post about having a headache, or venting about a bad day, but these were multiple, DAILY posts. It was exhausting. And what could I do about it? Well, I could try and be the opposite. I made a conscious decision to be happy, upbeat and slightly humorous.

Then, something happened. People started telling me I was funny. A lot. Not many people are comfortable accepting compliments, and I am no exception. When a high school friend used her status to publicly extol my sense of humor, and people AGREED, I had to take a break for a few days. The pressure was intense. It's what I imagine men feel like on the third date.

If you've watched any old Seinfeld episodes, you've probably seen the one where Jerry has a friend in the hospital, and his one request is for Jerry to make him laugh. Jerry, unfortunately, was unsuccessful. I have those days. I crash and burn. I also have days where I am on FIRE. Or so I'm told. You can be the judge. Below is the first compilation of what some people (ok, mostly my editor) consider to be the funnier things I've posted. Enjoy!

(For those unfamiliar with Facebook, each status update begins with the person's name. So, insert Tonya Markovich Nagy …)

… just said, out loud, to the cats "this is why we can't have nice things." Got the impression they didn't care and were plotting against me in their spare time.

… false alarm. Still invincible.

It's a good thing I'm not one of those goats that faint when you startle them.

I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

If I were a dinosaur, I'd be a Crankysaurus-Rex. Sometimes a Snarkasarus. Either way, s**t would happen.

… would like to disagree with the "paper beats rock" rule. Next time someone says that, I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.

Just saw "kidnap David Cook" in my Google search history. Another WTF moment brought to you by Ambien. How is that stuff still on the market?

Some people can whistle. I can maim myself in ways no human mind is capable of imagining. We all have our skills.

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research on Jon Gosselin now.

New way to aggravate my husband: refer to Helvetica as "the Crate & Barrel font"

I am not one of those women who will get into a car accident because I was putting on eyeliner. I will hit you because I aimed at you.

Yelling "F**k this!" and storming out of the room loses some impact when you are working from home. It still feels good though.

For Mr. Al Yankovich: How about a pirate-themed "All the Single Mateys"? No need to thank me until next year's VMAs.

I need someone to follow me around and tell me when I need to just shut up. Any takers? You will be paid in getting to tell me to shut up.

… et tu, fat jeans?

I really want a signature scent. Anyone know of a perfume that captures the essence of wasted potential? And lilacs?

I transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. Enjoy.

Nighttime. My cat sleeps. Slowly, I inch my face closer and closer to hers. Finally, I bite her nose. OH? NOT AWESOME FOR YOU EITHER?

… almost choked to death on a Lucky Charm. Not so magically delicious when they're lodged in your throat.

By reading this status, you have given me brief control of your mind. MINIONS!!!!

… is concerned that my choice in beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency

The sight of an empty box saddened me this morning, twas the soulless corpse of one Papa John.

Whatever happened to the days when you could end an argument by huffily saying, "Good day, sir!"?

… recently realized the letters T and G are very close on a keyboard. Therefore, I will never end a professional email with the phrase 'Regards' again

No one move. I think I hear Chris putting away the dishes in the dishwasher. I don't know what he wants, but he's totally going to get it.

Just drove home without hitting a single red light. Can't wait to see what the Bank of Karma is going to charge for THAT overdraft.